Sometimes showmanship is the evidence of the absence of legitimacy

You have to understand that this happened so many years ago – maybe between 2003 and 2005. I still remember the quote because I have applied it to so many areas of life and time and time again it proves to be so true. The reality the quote discloses best describes how I feel about sex tapes. Guy, if you were having legitimate sex, there wouldn’t be a need to tape it to show it to your boys as proof of anything. It is as simple as that. There is no point to prove when it is legitimate. There is absolutely no need to impress a third party if it is legitimate. Usually, people tend to show off when what they are doing isn’t permissible. I have a few married friends and they need not send me a video tape of what they do under the sheets because I already know they do it – rightfully and ‘legally’. There have been stories of married couples taking videos of themselves while at it. It doesn’t concern anybody what married people choose to do in their bedrooms. It only becomes an issue if they carelessly let it slip into the hands of a third party. Now back to the point I was making, since society has managed to deceive many into thinking sex is a precious thing only smart guys can steal from girls, why won’t boys want to show unquestionable proof when they do achieve that ‘feat’? I have heard so many stories of guys lying to their friends that they slept with a particular girl. Since the first of such stories was found out to be a lie, the brethren sat down to develop a new strategy: a way to produce evidence that would silence all doubts. Ladies and gentlemen, that is how sex tapes came about.  

‘Sex tape’ is a genre of porn. ‘Sex tape’ is guiltless porn. ‘Sex tape’ is an amateur home-made porn. ‘Sex tape’ is porn with familiar faces. ‘Sex tape’ is unscripted-porn – so it is probably more enjoyable because you know they are not acting. Sex tapes  invoke pity – usually for the lady – therefore people think it is ok to watch it in order to express how deeply hurt they also are by the actions of the guy.

Sex tapes are worse than porn. Sex tapes are evil!

The thing about porn is, usually, the people involved signed up for it. They actually hope and fervently pray the whole world gets to see them doing whatever – for the money. With sex tapes, one party’s desire for street credibility tarnishes the image, taints the reputation and scars the other party emotionally and psychologically for life!

Well, I know there have been a few cases where the lady in the video appears very much aware the act is being taped. Not to jump to the defence of such ladies, but even if she knew, I doubt she would agree to the idea of the video going viral online. I am yet to read about a sex tape that was initiated by a girl to tarnish the image of a guy. It is always the guy. Why? Biblically, guys are held to a higher sexual purity standard than women, per my understanding of the text. (I have spoken extensively about it in this blog). Therefore until we submit to divine standards for sex and purity, we will never see the end of this.

“[M]odern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction.” – Dr. Jeffrey Satinover

Addiction to porn is a field of study on its own. I’m hoping God will grant me grace to talk about it sometime soon. No matter how pious a guy is, I will not be shocked if he opens up and tells me he is battling addiction to porn or has done so in the past. What would shock me is if a guy about my age, says he hasn’t ever battled porn addiction before. It is that serious. I watched a TEDx video sometime ago that changed my perception about the porn industry. The speaker defines porn as ‘visualized sex slavery/ prostitution’. He stated that most of the girls in the videos are actually doing it against their own will. There is somebody benefiting tremendously while these girls go through all the abuse in full global glare. Hence, the speaker resolved to refrain from watching porn. I certainly cannot tell how long this resolve would last, but I found his speech quite remarkable. To some extent, this information may deter somebody from watching porn for a while, because it feels like you are endorsing, encouraging and financially contributing to sex trafficking. The abusive and appalling story behind the porn flick may deter you. But what if the story isn’t that appalling? Does it mean you can watch it? This is one of the reasons why people enjoy sex tapes and actually store lots of them in folders on their PCs. The story behind most sex tapes is that of payback or revenge – which makes it ‘exciting’ to watch. Some jilted lover’s attempt at getting back at his ex he still sleeps with. Some guys actually team up to do it. Yo, it is so not cool. The internet never forgets. One day it will all come back to haunt you.

• Let’s not share the videos when they come out. The director of the sex tape, the viewer and the sharer are all voluntary promoters of this genre of porn. You are very much a part of the problem if you watch and share the videos.
• Let’s not allow ourselves to be taped no matter how deeply we think we are in love. The lady in the first sex tape that was ever made, thought she was in love too.
• There is a reason why bathroom windows are small and way up the wall. In fact, it is not love if he/she is asking for nudes and perv stuff like that.

I can’t trust the conscience of a human being. It takes a higher power and force to keep us all in check. What can end this menace? I don’t know. One thing I know is, you have no business stripping before anybody who hasn’t vowed before the Lord to live with you till death. Safety first, stay pure.   

This scenario is way too familiar. A guy and a girl have sex illegitimately, but the girl is always held responsible or brought before the Pharisaical Court of Justice in public. Somehow we have managed to make sex look like a thing girls give to the satisfaction of the guys that ask for it. Therefore when a guy ‘manages’ to get a lady to sleep with him outside marriage, he is hailed as a champion and the lady is called a slut. Jesus himself had to deal with this very issue. Remember when they brought the adulterous woman to him? The woman was caught in the act of adultery: meaning she was involved with a guy. Of course, the patriarchy in that society was so prominent that the man was left off the hook and the woman was found guilty. Jesus looked on the woman with eyes of love and compassion and not eyes of condemnation. He knew that condemning people would only deepen the scars that the guilt had left in their soul. His aim was to bring redemption. Nothing redeems better than love. So he looked at the woman and told her ‘… neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more’. Jesus didn’t approve of the sexually immoral lifestyle here. He offered the woman a dosage of ‘no-condemnation’ to empower her to stay away from sin. Condemnation leads to guilt; guilt hardens the human heart; a hardened heart is a fertile ground for more sin.

This isn’t Jesus’ only encounter with a sexually immoral woman. At a well in Samaria, he spoke with a woman who had five ex-husbands and was at the time in a relationship with a man who wasn’t her husband. Did Jesus condemn her? Nope. He let his love rain on her to the extent that she was transformed instantly into an evangelist, going about inviting people to come and listen to ‘… a man who told me all I ever did’ – as she put it. That day many Samaritans came to believe Jesus because he chose to be compassionate towards a woman who didn’t deserve it by societal standards.

The double standard of sexual behavior is a moral code that permits sexual promiscuity in men but prohibits women in the same regard. This has deluded many guys into thinking that they can be sexually immoral and at the same time judge girls who are just like them. It doesn’t even make sense. It is like a rapist sentencing another rapist to prison in the court of law. I am all for purity … and yes, it is because the bible says so. Nevertheless, I think the bible isn’t partial in the standards it sets for the children of God (male or female). If we are to make that assertion at all, then it appears that the bible expects greater sexual purity from men than women. In Matthew 5:28 it says that any man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. The bible says men should stop sleeping with women in their fantasies. Can you see the difference between the sexual standard society sets for men versus that of the bible?

It is hard to go a day without having lustful thoughts, especially when the temptation to do so stalks you every step of the way. Guess what, God in his infinite wisdom wants us to deal with the problem at the roots: the thought-level. Our actions are more premeditated than spontaneous. Which means, once you keep thinking about an activity, it is more likely you will indulge in it when given the opportunity. So if you keep sleeping with women who you are not married to in your mind, the likelihood that you might do it in the physical is extremely high. The truth is, this isn’t what the bible even says. According to the verse I quoted above, once you lustfully fantasize about a woman, it is recorded as adultery. Guys, guard your heart. Watch what you think about. Kill sexual immorality at the roots and don’t cut the leaves and gloat over it just yet.

In Job 31:1 Job said he had made a covenant with his eyes not to look at a woman lustfully. The dude had to literally sign a contract with his eyes lest he lust after a woman. Job is an Old Testament character by the way. If he could do this, we who are enormously empowered by grace should be more than able to do same and even better. Let us be intentional about sexual purity. Let us not treat it like a thing that will fall onto our laps from heaven. Men need to train their hungers. I am not even talking about sexual hungers at this point. Really, you need to train yourself to eat and consume only that which is necessary for growth and development. Your being operates under one law of consumption. This law informs your decisions on everything you let into your system: be it music, movies, books or even conversations. Therefore, if you eat anyhow, everywhere and at any time because there is food, you tend to consume other things with like mentality. So you can sleep with any and every lady who appears appealing to your sight. If she resists engaging in intercourse with you, because you have little control over your fleshly desires you apply force to have your way with her – and that is rape. Train your hungers bro; tame your hungers. Though it is not stated categorically in the Word, I can boldly say that God rarely uses people who have a bad eating habit. Most people God used in the bible were ‘chronic fasters’ who ate to live and didn’t live to eat. Daniel ate greens when he was offered sumptuous royal food and meat. John the Baptist ate locust and wild honey while both of his parents worked in the temple which meant they had an ample supply of meat and food at home. Jesus fasted for 40 days before commencing his ministry. Moses also fasted for 40 days. The 84 year old prophetess Anna vowed not to stop fasting and praying till Jesus was born – and she did get to meet him. Train your hungers bro!

On the flip side, the people who couldn’t train their hungers brought calamity unto themselves and others around them. Adam and Eve were authorized to eat everything in the garden but two fruits. At the end of the day they ate one and that was the root of the sin Jesus had to come to die for. Esau sold his birthright and blessings to his little brother because he couldn’t train his hungers. The Israelites lamented that they were tired of eating manna; hence God sent them an abundant supply of quails. While the meat was still in-between their teeth as they ate, God struck them dead. Amnon raped his own sister Tamar and was murdered because of it. Bro, tame your hungers. As I said, a single law of consumption operates in your being. Therefore the way you eat is sometimes directly related to the level of control you have over your sexual urges. There are two major hungers in every human being: the hunger for food and the hunger for sex. The hunger for food is stronger than the hunger for sex. Therefore if you can master full control over your hunger for food, you are automatically transformed into an intolerant dictator over your hunger for sex. Of course it must be a spiritual activity marked by the reading of the word and prayer – not merely a hunger strike.

Solomon said it is better to have self-control than to conquer a city. Ironically, he married 700 wives coupled with a whopping 300 concubines. David, his father, slept with Bathsheba though she was married and he went on to orchestrate the killing of her husband. Samson was warned against having relations with women from Philistine. He didn’t heed to this warning and that was his undoing. I would like to state emphatically that, contrary to popular belief, the downfall of all these men wasn’t the women, but their lack of self-control. Here we have the wisest man who ever lived; the strongest man who ever lived; and one of the greatest warriors in human history and they all have one thing in common: they couldn’t control their sexual urges. By these three stories, God has illustrated to us that it doesn’t take physical strength, or wisdom, or even battle prowess to have self-control. Only the grace of God can give you complete control over your flesh. The grace is abundant in his presence; intentionally make the effort to dwell there. Pitch a tent; rent a room; chain yourself to a tree… whatever you can, please do it to stay in his presence. Do not rely on your wisdom, strength or battle prowess, if these could do you any good, Solomon, David and Samson wouldn’t have made those mistakes.

He who controls his spirit is mightier than he who conquers a city, as Solomon said. Only a superhero can conquer a city all by himself. Therefore, a man who has self-control is mightier than a superhero.

All I wanted was a math-set too. I wanted to use the protractor to draw curves and draw triangles with the sets square. When I was bored, I’d take out either the divider or the compass and punch holes into the eraser. That is all I wanted. I wonder why it is so difficult to get old people to understand the simple needs of a toddler. Better yet, I wonder why it is so impossible to see the wisdom of the elderly until you are older. I wasn’t using those instruments right anytime I laid my infant hands on them. But because my brothers had them, I felt I needed one too. The need to have what the other person has even though you don’t need it; It is called covetousness, right? My mind played back this episode from my childhood because of a picture I saw on twitter some weeks back. In the picture was a guy and a girl both top-naked and the caption suggested that if the guy’s ‘bare-chestedness’ doesn’t offend you, neither should that of the girl. Well well well, this is where we are right now with our fight for gender equality eh? You want to be bare-chested in public merely because men can do that? – Merely because men can do that? Excuse me, what is the point here? In my childhood, I wanted the math-set that my brothers got, merely because they had it. I admit that was rather childish. So seeing grown women literally making childish demands such as this is rather disturbing. You want to unstrap the bra and let those ladies loose and walk around eh? Well go on right ahead. If that will salt your soup, then by all means, knock yourself out. You see, this is everything that is wrong with gender equality; as I have already stated here, let’s fight for equity instead. Where the society gives to each what they deserve. Who knows, probably at the end of the fight, we might realize that women deserve more privileges than men (certainly they do). But this won’t happen if our dear sisters are merely fighting for everything men have. So you want to grow beards and shave too? Do you really feel nature is unfair to you because you don’t have broader shoulders and an Adam’s apple? Just realize that we are different but equal in terms of worth.

The Apostle Peter puts it in a better way  ‘… showing honor to the woman as the WEAKER vessel, since they are HEIRS with you of the grace of life…’. Let’s learn a bit of primitive fisherman wisdom here. If you look closely, you would realize that the bases for showing women honor as the weaker vessel is that we are heirs together with them. In the sense that, we have equal inheritance with women in Christ, and on that level we are equal. But physically, women are generally weaker than men. This isn’t demeaning, but a glaring fact. The bible didn’t say that women are intellectually, spiritually or economically weaker than men. It stated a fact that we all know: men are physically stronger than women. Hence, we men must honor women.  Therefore, where is the wisdom in merely wanting to have anything that a man has? You don’t see men pained because they don’t have menstrual cramps? Besides not everything the society has unduly given to men is good. I am even shocked some of these things are desirable to some women. I know it is all a ploy to prove a point, but that isn’t necessary.

I read a very interesting post recently on the ghanafeminism.wordpress.com blog (here it is). I tell you the truth; I haven’t had a goodnight’s sleep since then. The post was about a young lady who was in the news recently for all the bad reasons. She apparently rose to prominence because she slept with a few famous men and is currently dating a very rich man. All of this is alleged. Now, the post began and even well into the middle with some sound arguments. But getting to the end the writer declared boldly that she found nothing wrong with prostitution. Oh of course I washed my face with detol and read that paragraph again. This is something I wouldn’t be shocked to see in a ghanapatriarchy.wordpress.com blog post. In fact, I am sure it would be one of the main aims of the blokes behind such a blog: to glamorize prostitution, compelling as many young ladies to go into it as possible. After all, prostitution is to the benefit of men because we gain more. I heard one could sleep with a prostitute for as low as any amount under 5gh cedis *it is purely coincidental that I know this*. Therefore I conclude that men gain more from prostitution than the women involved. So when I saw that portion of the post I was in shock. These are her exact words:

‘Nevertheless, prostitution is not bad. Women have the right to control our bodies and if we see it  fit to exchange sexual services for monetary compensation in a safe manner it is our prerogative’

It will interest you to know that she stated early on in the post that a woman selling her body doesn’t amount to objectification. Excuse me again, if this isn’t objectification then what is? You mean you don’t think prostitution is objectification? Ah? I am so lost eh! O and this part is my personal favorite, ‘The ability for women to tap into the erotic and utilize it to navigate the world as we see it’.  ‘The ability to tap into the erotic…’ ha! She describes this heinous act with such beautiful language. Never would it have crossed my mind that a woman somewhere would support the idea of prostitution. You see why some men do not want to have anything to do with feminism? This point stated by our dear friend above goes a long way to justify to some extent the point that women are their own enemies (not all though). Prostitution should be treated as a human rights issue because there are pimps in the background eating off these poor girls. Do you even know the psychological trauma and physical pain their customers subject them to? The story is told of a prostitute who got so bruised from the rough beastly sex she had with her partners. She was advised – obviously by her colleagues – to put camphor in a bucket of hot steaming water. After this, she squatted over the bucket naked, for the steam to have direct contact with her nether regions. She stood up that day from the bucket with a numb organ: numb enough to insulate her from the pains of the trade. This is the kind of ordeal some women go through and some other women think it is cool to prostitute merely because society seems to have given men some level of sexual freedom? Wow! This is even deeper than I thought. You really think having freedom over your own body means sleeping around for money? See, the very moment you attain freedom and move on to engage yourself in barbaric activities, please know that you are a greater slave after freedom than before it.

Anyway, I am a Christian. In Christianity sexual immorality isn’t acceptable in one sex and unacceptable in another. The standards are high and the same for everybody. Jesus said by merely fantasizing about sleeping with a woman, I have already committed the sin. So if you want sexual freedom because society seems to have given it to men, dear feminist, you are lost. The fact that society turns a blind eye to the sexually immoral acts of men is the cause of many of society’s problems.  Let’s fight for what we deserve and not what somebody else seems to have. Be content with crayons, the math-set might be detrimental to you.

Well of course this has to be a story about a medical officer offering assistance to women who have been sexually abused in rural Uganda, isn’t it? Let me burst your bubble, you got it wrong there. This is indeed a story about a medical officer sent to reach out to MALE rape victims of rural Uganda. Yes, I am talking about men who have been raped. The thought of it might even cause many to laugh in ridicule of such men who would allow themselves to be abused. *in a sarcastic tone* I  mean, c’mon bro, how on earth did you allow yourself to be raped? Especially by another man? The article shook me when I read it months ago. The sexual abuse of men has over the years become one of the numerous war crimes that rebels and soldiers commit. There was an account of a man who was taken away into the forest and was brutally abused sexually for years. Every night, about 11 rebels would take turns in raping him. And when he didn’t have the strength to remain on his knees, one would wrap his arm around his waist, holding him up, just so another could have the chance to have anal knowledge of him. For three or so years he went through this till he managed to escape. It is just a gruesome act which is fueled by evil supplied from the refinery of hell. Most of these men, live with the pain for the rest of their lives.

One would think the woes of these men would have ended with the end of the abusive experience. The abuse is damage done to their physical, mental, and emotional selves but what happens after that damages their soul more deeply. Most of them shut their mouths never to open it to talk about what transpired especially to their wives. So they live with the hurt shut up within them for many years.  One of the victims said :

“How do I tell my wife I was raped? What is she going to think about me? She won’t see me as a man again. She will start looking at me like any other woman.

(http://www.dw.de/male-rape-victims-in-uganda-speak-out/a-16809077)

Wow! This statement captures a lot and basically encapsulates the African society’s view on gender. So from the quote above, we can infer that in such a community being abused as a man automatically transforms you  into a woman. And since the  wives wouldn’t want to be in a same-sex marriage, they leave. The ‘tender loving care’ that women exude by default isn’t a trait found in all women after all. This is the reason why most of the male rape victims keep mute about their ordeal and endure the pain. It is only cruelty, that can cause a wife to abandon her husband in such a critical moment in his life.

No, my beef isn’t with the wives of these victims but rather my beef is with the society – the patriarchal society. One would think women are the only victims of patriarchy. Far from that, men are also victims. The fact that society allows men to wield this much power – this  undue and unmerited power, is in itself a curse rather than a blessing. We live in communities where every organ and component of the human anatomy in men is supposed to be hyperactive bar the tear glands. Society tells boys they are not supposed to cry, ‘mmarima nsu’, literally means, ‘Men don’t cry’. Who sets these rules? Who makes these laws without sending the rest of us a memo? Which philosopher, under the frenzied influence of alcohol, thought of this? Men do not cry? Why do we have tear glands in the first place? Society unconsciously trains men to be as emotionless as a log. Society replaces the ever thumping human heart of men with an ice-cold block. Yet when men end up being what they have been trained to be, or what is expected of them, society frowns on it.

When I get married in the next few years, o dear future wife, I will cry if I have to. I will shiver when all is not too well. I will tell you when I am hurt by your actions. I won’t bottle stuff in me all in the name of being a man. If internal bleeding is a deadly medical condition, then internal tearing has to be on that same level of deadliness. For in both cases there is supposed to be an outpouring of fluids, which rather happens internally. Patriarchy has even made women more mean. For which sound woman would abandon her husband after he has been abused? Think of those men in Uganda and the pain they will endure for the rest of their lives. Had they been in a society that doesn’t hand men ‘all the power’, they would probably be comforted by their wives. Let’s strive to make our society one in which respect, rights and power are equitably distributed between men and women.

I am just using this borrowed-knowledge to address the issue at hand. I feel like the problem isn’t the fact that we have hearts, but that we have exposed our hearts to certain impurities that have made them depraved. There is a hunger for sex in all of us, both men and women, but it seems when it comes to men, it is cool to have an out-of-control sexual appetite. *pardon me, I can only speak for men* It seems when it comes to sex, men are allowed to behave like beasts and beastly. There is no justification for rape. No matter who the woman is, her age or what she wore. The problem isn’t external it is internal – it is inside us. Hungers need to be tamed. Even our hunger for food is tamed. Let’s just look at  how unhealthy obesity is – obesity, which is birthed out of untamed hunger for foods of all kinds, kills many people each year. If there is a resultant effect, untamed hunger for food has on the individual, then there should be a corresponding effect that untamed hunger for sex has on an individual too. When it comes to dealing with the issue of discipline in dieting, we think about 1. The time an individual eats 2. How much food he should have 3. How the food should be eaten 4. What the individual eats etc. It isn’t advisable to eat at certain times, especially immediately before bedding. The quantity of food one eats should also be taken into consideration, as too much food may cause  discomfort and result in excessive weight gain.The way and manner in which an individual eats is also very important. In most cases we are advised by dietitians not to drink and eat concurrently. Eating a lot of fatty foods is one sure way to build up a very unhealthy and almost inactive body. My question then is, if there are dietitians who are responsible for helping us regulate our eating habits, shouldn’t there be a system of regulation for human sexuality? When it comes to sex, everybody wants to have the final say in his/her life. Nobody wants to obey a bunch of rules. So far as the mode of sex is backed by law, then it is okay. It is a shame people don’t realize that all the foods we eat are pretty much legal, yet dietitians advise adamantly against the consumption of some of those foods. Not everything that is legal is good for consumption. Just recently in Kenya, a law was passed allowing men to legally go in for additional wives even without the consent of the first. It is even more sad and pathetic when society  and the law backs men in pursuing their wild sexual dreams.

It’s already hard for us as men. Temptation literally stalks us every step of the way. Pressure to succumb is heavy and very compelling, hence the reason most men fail when it comes to fidelity in relationships. It is a jungle out there, not only out on the streets but every where else – the internet, in our conversations with friends even in the quietness of our deepest thoughts. The sort of lascivious images and episodes that jump at the average brother, is as fierce as a rain storm. More often than not, the worst evil isn’t that which the eyes have seen but that which is conceived in the heart. Mostly it is too sophisticated to be carried out in the physical world so it remains in the storeroom of the heart. It is however imperative that we keep our thoughts pure. Look, that is almost impossible – but highly attainable. The problem is within us, so if we win the battle from the inside-out, we are assured of less corruption in this world. if the statement, ‘out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks‘ is true, then we can conclude that most of our actions originated from the meditations of our hearts. Men like Job, lifted the bar up by a notch. He said, ‘I have made a covenant with my eyes NOT TO THINK UPON A LADY‘ (king James bible). Note: the covenant was made with his eyes, but the resultant action is that he won’t THINK upon a lady. Ha! Job is just like me. He is just like you, he is like the average man. I am sure he had a problem with ‘lustful thoughts‘ like most men do. Thank God he decided to kill the problem at the roots – at the thought-level before it materialized in the physical. That is indeed the solution – clean thoughts conceived in our hearts.

You know, the heart is neutral but very fickle. It easily sways in the direction you swing it. So over-exposure to sexually immoral material produces a sexually immoral individual. We have hearts, our hearts are originally depraved; what we expose them to worsens the situation.