The Holy Spirit drew my attention to this some time ago. How offenses are causing many to leave the church in droves. I have personally been offended by the ‘church’ before. I have had friends who have experienced this as well. And quite painfully, even members of my family have experienced this too. In my case, I felt so bad after the event. It was a series of events that happened behind the scenes and climaxed in the full glare of a section of the church. Therefore, unbeknownst to the many who witnessed my outburst, there had been a series of events that had led up to that embarrassing one. So I felt I was being judged wrongly based on the final event and perhaps I would have been judged fairly if people knew the full story. To this day … to this day I still feel like bringing it up in conversations so I can tell the full story to vindicate myself. That only goes to prove how deeply I was hurt and how much effect that incidence had on me.

How are people hurt in the church?

As I mentioned earlier the people you find in your church are not flawless people. They are people undergoing the process of perfection. The bible talks extensively about the fruit of the spirit in Galatians 5. If we all bore this fruit, there would be none offended in our midst. Christians would be too kind to intentionally offend their brethren. Again, Christians would be too patient to react in anger when they have been hurt by their brethren unintentionally or even intentionally. Love would reign in the church. Basically, this is God’s plan for the body.

“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” – John 13:35

Love is patient, love is kind … love is not arrogant or rude… (1st Corinthians 13)

Imagine a church where we all bore the fruit of the spirit, hence walked in love and perfection. What a lovely community that would be! I believe eventually we will get there as a church. However, that isn’t the case today. People offend intentionally and unintentionally. Others are offended way too easily and others, hardly. Below are a couple of ways that people are offended in the church today:

1. The doctrine of the church and church traditions (practices)
2. Misunderstandings or disagreements
3. Sexual, Verbal, and physical abuse
4. Discrimination and favoritism
5. Manipulation and Exploitation
6. Lack of appreciation of efforts
7. Gossip

These are only a number of ways that people are offended in and by the church. Whatever hurt you feel after having any of these experiences is valid. How you react to these things is what really matters. One may wonder if there are any traces of ‘Church hurt’ in scripture. The truth is that there are and we are going to take a look at some of these instances where the church offended individuals and in another case where there was a misunderstanding between 2 Christian leaders.

The first story is recorded in Acts 6:1-2. It is very important to note that this incidence happened in the church in the book of Acts which happens to be one of the most respected churches in church history. It turns out that when the church began to grow, the Hellenists (Greek-speaking Jews who were members of the church) complained about how the Hebrews had neglected their widows in the daily distribution of food. This is a very fair complaint. One can easily tell that the Hellenists were offended or hurt by this issue that is why they made it a point to register their displeasure to the appropriate quarters. What was the response of the leadership of the church? We are told in the subsequent verses that the 12 Apostles summoned the entire congregation and addressed the issue. They stated that it is not right that they (the apostles) should give up preaching and praying to serve tables so they would rather appoint seven people who were filled with the Holy Ghost and with wisdom to do that. Among these seven people was Stephen – the first ever Christian martyr. There are a few things we need to note in this story:

1. When the Hellenists registered their displeasure, the leadership of the church was ready to listen and make amends. They didn’t regard it as a coup attempt or as a disrespectful act against their leadership.
2. The caliber of people selected to serve tables goes to show that the leadership of the church took the complaint of the Hellenists very seriously. They specifically selected people who were filled with the Spirit of God and with wisdom to serve tables. Someone may argue that these persons were qualified enough to hold leadership positions in the church. And that may be true, however, the apostles saw the wisdom in the complaint made and decided to have some of the best Christians in the church take charge of the situation.
3. We were made to understand that this problem arose because the church was growing. Well, we were also told (in verse 7) that the church grew, even more, when the problem was resolved. Therefore, we can conclude that some of the issues in the church that bother congregants or offend them, when properly addressed and dealt with may lead to growth and stability in the church.

The second story can also be found in Acts 15 – it is the story of how Paul and Barnabas had a falling out. Prior to this incident, we were told that Paul and Barnabas had traveled from city to city spreading the Gospel. In Acts 15:36 Paul suggested to Barnabas that they should return to all the cities they had been to check up on their brethren there. From all indications, Barnabas agreed. He only wanted to go on this mission with John Mark. Paul didn’t want to go with John because on one of their trips with him to Pamphylia, John left Paul and Silas at a point. The bible says “a sharp disagreement” arose between Paul and Barnabas hence they had to part ways. Barnabas went to Cyprus with John Mark and Paul chose Silas to travel with him through Syria and Cilicia. This is how the two men of God dealt with their sharp disagreement. It may have affected their relationship but it didn’t affect their relationship with God and his work.

What do you do when the church hurts you?

In the list I made above concerning how people are offended in and by the church, I mentioned discrimination, church practices or traditions, and misunderstanding. All these can be found in the two stories above. The Hellenists were offended because it appeared the church was discriminating against widows; this was a practice in the church. Then in the case of Paul and Barnabas, we are told a sharp disagreement or misunderstanding arose between them. We can learn a lot from how these two groups of people reacted to the events.

The Hellenists registered their displeasure to the leadership of the house. This is one of the major ways of dealing with offenses in the church. The leadership of the house should practice an open-door and listening-ear policy. It is worthy of note that the Hellenists didn’t go about gossiping and spreading both truths and lies about the incident. They spoke to the leadership of the house. The reaction of the Hellenists and the attitude of the leadership of the house exhibited in their desire to cause a change should very much be encouraged in the church. Indeed, toes will be stepped on in every church no matter what. However, pragmatic steps need to be taken to heal the wounded. Did you notice the apostles didn’t want to appear as superhuman beings by adding the serving of tables to their own duties and responsibilities in the church? They appointed others to do that. This is pragmatism. Such problems require the application of the wisdom of God.

Secondly, when Paul and Barnabas couldn’t see eye to eye because of their differences, none of them abandoned their ministries. Often, people stop going to church at all because they were offended by someone or something in a particular local church they were in. In my opinion, nothing should separate us from the assembly of the saints. Anything that does that is an idol we pay obeisance to and revere more than God. And yes, holding grudges and refusing to forgive can very much be idols in the life of a believer. We need to know that God’s work must go on no matter what. If it means parting ways with some people or a church, then so be it. Because in my own opinion, some people need to leave the churches they are in to actually pursue what God has set for them. In the instance where your church’s doctrine and practices are not biblical, I suggest you reach out to the leadership of the church, if your suggestion is not heeded to you can and should leave. The bible in the new testament warns us not to entertain people who preach a false gospel.

I have also come to the conclusion that some of us deserve to be offended in the church. For the singular reason, that “… godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:10). We fill the need to be pampered and handled with soft hands. ‘Gentle Jesus, meek and mild’ flipped tables in the temple and drove some people out of the church. When you are corrected in the church for something you did wrong, you deserve that correction and it is supposed to lead you to salvation. The correction may come across as offensive sometimes – but it is good for you. There were people who were punished by the Apostles in the New Testament and I believe they did so in love because the bible says love doesn’t rejoice at wrongdoing. You cannot be offended and walk away from your local church and the body of Christ because you sinned and you were corrected. If the correction was done in love, it was meant to help you repent. The word of God is given to us for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness (2 Tim3:16). Correction in the church is very scriptural. To church leaders, you need to correct in love and not out of anger or malice.

To all who have been offended by the church before (either by a man of God or a fellow believer) do take heart. Let this not hinder you from pursuing your God-given purpose on this earth. The pain, grief, guilt … they shall all pass. We should pray to God to give us the strength to move on. Also, pray to God and ask Him to direct your path so you can get over the hurt and do that which he expects you to do. Be gracious in your actions and reactions after the incident. Bear in mind that you could have easily been the offender in another situation. As Andy Mineo said, “I hope they give me the forgiveness they are going to need one day”. I also hope you give the brethren the mercy you will need one day.

Nelson Mandela!!!!. There!!! I am very sure you pictured an old grey-haired black man with a smile on his face. At the mention of his name we are suddenly reminded of one who lived to epitomize what Christ taught concerning forgiveness. You know, the verse quoted above is not as absurd when you take the pains to analyze it on a deeper level. Well of course, there are those shallow and literal interpreters of scripture who would probably make lightly the meaning of this verse. But on a deeper level this piece of scripture suggests to us that human beings are capable of that which seems humanly impossible. I wish I could run you through the biological process by which the body receives and handles pain. I wish I could draw a diagram to explain how the nerves respond to pain. I can’t. I can only guess what happens mentally when I am hurt by somebody, physically. It is more of the ‘when you throw a ball to the wall….’ kind of scenario. You don’t throw a ball to the wall and expect a pillow to bounce back at you. You just don’t do that. When you throw a ball to the wall, a ball bounces off the wall and comes directly at you. Simple! Meanwhile, we are expected to turn the other cheek for the person who just slapped us. Well, this is why I chipped in Mandela’s name. He is the epitome of that verse. He is basically a walking Luke 6:29. Mandela Spending all those years in prison and coming out with no intention of revenging the injustice done  him was very shocking – absolutely no vindictiveness. That is pretty awesome.

One would find that how deeply we are hurt usually depends on who the individual who hurt us is to us. When someone is a sworn enemy, it is expected of him to hurt us in every way, so we are not shocked in the least. What is unbearable is having a loved one hurt you. When someone you love and cherish hurts you, it quickly reveals the nylon thread between Love and Hate. It reveals how easily and quickly one is able to slip to the other side of the almost non-existent divide between Hatred and Love. How do you handle such a situation? Believe me it happens, more often than not. What should be the best reaction to such cases? *points at the first statement of the first paragraph of the blog* I tell you this, it is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend (or a lover). *It just is*. I believe you will find it very interesting to know how Mandela becomes a case study at this point too. A prisoner penning a romantic letter every now and then, should not come to us as a surprise. Being locked away from the world for several years may just unearth otherwise suppressed emotions or emotions that would have been milder in a state of complete freedom. In this state one is always and constantly in touch with his emotions because of the deplorable and hostile state of most prisons. Every night, when the cell gates are shut, they don’t only shut the prisoner in a small cell and keep him from society’s reach, they also shut him into himself completely. Into the darkness of himself – his emotions. Therefore, when such people express their emotions it is with such intensity and depth. I believe this sort of emotions inspired the letters Mandela wrote to Winnie.

Unknown to him, Winnie was having extra-marital affairs. With not just one man,  but several men. From the family lawyer to her bodyguards, to the extent that these men were often referred to as ‘Winnie’s boys in Soweto. Her actions were wrong, I agree, but fitting our feet in her shoes would make us judge her less, though not justify her actions. Here is someone who spent 27 years of her married life away from her spouse. Of course, she would be tempted to sleep with other men and yes, she did. Then the judgmental thoughts come like a wave, flooding my mind – “Mandela is a man Winnie claimed she loved right?” “Then how could she do that to him?” “why did she do that to him?” “ When did humans muster the art of hurting people who love them?” You know, it is completely typical of us to think along these lines. What shocked me about Mandela’s story is the fact that, according to the article I read (which inspired this blog), it appears he never forgave her. What???? Mandela? Angel Madiba? The epitome of Luke 26:9? The question then is, ‘how was he able to forgive those who put him away in prison for 27 years, yet couldn’t forgive Winnie? Because when you think about it, in both cases he was offended for 27 years. Ha! The analogy made earlier answers this question. The relationship you have with the offender determines how deeply you are hurt. It is clear in this case that it is easier to forgive a known enemy than a lover. Mandela being locked away for 27 years was injustice done to his physical being (though it may have some emotional and mental consequences). Judging from the letters written by Mandela to Winnie while in prison, they sort of reveal  the thoughts of one who is mentally and emotionally stable though. But what Winnie did to Mandela was purely injustice recorded in the soul of Madiba and those ones are very difficult to forgive. Very difficult. Little wonder he probably couldn’t forgive her. In Mandela’s will, Winnie was not listed as a beneficiary. This is enough proof. ‘Unforgiveness’ transforms the most holy saint into a ravenous devil. The most evil acts stem from an unforgiving heart.

Back to Jesus’ statement. What he actually meant by ‘turning the other cheek’ to someone who just slapped you, is that, he expects us to hand the person a clean slate again. In the sense that, we should be seemingly foolish enough to trust that the said person won’t slap the other cheek when we turn it to him. And when he does slap that cheek, by then the first cheek would have cooled off, so we offer that cheek to the person once more. The cycle goes on and on and on, until the slapper stops. Are we under any obligation to do this? Totally!!! Simply because we slap God in the face any time we sin, and when we ask for forgiveness, he turns the other cheek. And guess what we do as humans, yep, your guess is as good as mine, we slap him harder the second time. The cycle goes on and on and on and on, but in his case he gives us a clean slate every time, knowing that we might mess things up again. Most of the time, we do forgive but we simply refuse to hand the offender a clean slate. That is just like forgiving the slapper and not offering him the other cheek. That isn’t what the verse up there suggests. To whom much is forgiven, much more forgiveness is expected. Hence, I dare say, any act of ‘unforgiveness’ stems from a self-righteous heart. Usually people who think they are never at fault, end up holding up grudges in their heart and refuse to forgive people. Just  let it go, let it go for you will not survive a second on this earth if God  refuses to forgive you of the sins you have committed just today.